I decided to write my first blog post since I arrived back in Grenoble. I'm still trying to decided how to write this, so I'll just go off my feelings.
I search everyday for the reason I decided to come back here. Maybe it was the idealistic thought of being back in France, or the desire to perfect my french; maybe it was my need to find a cure to a missing piece of my soul that I thought I would somehow find by coming here. As the days go on and get harder, I continue to search for the answer to this very question: why?
I have felt that through the good and the bad times in my life, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I could see it in the far distance. I could see that there was a glow that drove me closer and closer to overcoming whatever I was facing. Since being back in Grenoble, I have never felt that my life has been torn into so many pieces as it does now. My time here as been hard; harder than I ever expected. It has torn me apart emotionally and has dampened my enthusiasm for life. I went from loving my life and everything around me, to trying to make it day by day. As I'm fairly good at hiding a lot of my emotions and feelings, from an outside view you probably wouldn't notice how desperate I am to find happiness in my life again. With all the small things adding up, I've found it difficult to appreciate the other things that I should be thankful for. I find it difficult to look in the mirror and see the woman I know I am inside.
Sometimes we make decisions in life that we think are what we want or right for us at the time, that turn out to be the one thing that completely breaks us in two.
As depressing as this post is, it's essential to truly understand what I'm feeling if you want to know why I'm writing this way: Kristi, "the world traveler," the girl who is driven to live her life to the fullest and make the world her playground has fallen off the monkey bars of the world and wants to ground herself to love and commitment. That being said, I have lost the man I love because of my decision to journey back to France and I don't know how to fight for him anymore. I've expressed every emotion I feel for him in hopes that he will fight with me and fight for me. I would come home tomorrow if he wanted to live his life with me again. I would give him my everything.
We all make mistakes - mine was leaving in search of something I already had, happiness.
Aside from the emotional destruction in my life, my decision to come here has been a hard financial burden. I was thinking of opportunity instead of practicality and that, my friends, isn't always the best way to think. As much as I want to reflect that this is actually an opportunity, the practical and reasonable side of my mind is asking that same question: why? If only I could have seen where I would be now before I made my decision (both emotionally and financially), I would have listened to the reasonable side of myself. "They" say that everything happens for a reason. I am here for a reason, even though I may not know what it is yet, I am here. My "Kristi's Tree of Life" philosophy tells me that it was me who made this choice, and maybe it was for some reason I don't know quite yet, but I can never go back to the last branch; and now everything has changed and will forever be changed.
I don't know how to apologize to the one I love for making this mistake. I don't know anymore how to find happiness in something or somewhere that no longer makes me happy. I don't know how to live anymore as the girl I once knew. As much as I try to force myself to think in a positive light, to uplift myself and enjoy my time while I'm here and "see what happens in life" when I get back, I am having a hard time doing that. I want to come home and I want to be reunited with the man I love.
I know that there are things I can no longer control. I can't control the emotions or feelings of another person. I can't control how someone thinks or the actions they take. I can't control life. All I can do is pray... pray for happiness. I never thought I would be this girl who changes her heart and way of life, but we all change sometimes and I think the most important thing in life is love and love is what I want to feel; love is what I want to give.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
The Last Full Day
As my time in Bhubaneswar comes to an end, I can't help but thinking how happy and excited I am to explore and visit other parts of India, then ultimately, Kathmandu, Nepal. To say the least, this experience as been different than any other time traveling and today was the first day that I really saw Bhubaneswar in a different light. Our presentations and projects are finished, we have no more field work (yet I still find myself doing analysis) and we are leaving tomorrow for Delhi. Today, as I walked about, much like I actually lived in the city, there was something different about it. I could walk around knowing that I didn't have to analyze it, but I could take it in and enjoy it for all it was worth. Running into someone I had met a couple of weeks ago in an auto, it made me think that people live their lives here, and I was just a pawn in this 7 week long chess game.
Things I will miss:
1. Gupchup (pronounced Goopcoop) - it's a snack food - these little potato filled balls dipped in a spiced water -yummmm!
2. The people with whom I've become friends
3. Accessibility and knowing where everything is
4. Jacky - the puppy I made friends with just behind the hotel
... yeah that's about it.
Things I won't miss:
1. The honking (which will be everywhere, unfortunately)
2. The stares (I'm sure I'll get those other places too)
3. The picture harassment (it only bothers me when I'm trying to have quiet time) The photo below is actually of a guard that was protecting us from people wanting to take pictures with us - haha!
4. The lack of excitement (Hopefully there will be more of that to come in the next month!)
5. I am sure there are many other things too
To keep it short, sweet and to the point: I really want some "American" food (beef, breakfast foods, sandwiches, etc.), things that I can't find here. Although I am studying to be an urban planner, I am realizing more and more that I am falling back to my roots - I am liking the city less and the rural area more. Those people live a more simplistic (yet rigorous) life and I would much rather have that than the constantly fast paced, non-stop moving sort of lifestyle.
Yesterday, I got to experience this in passing on the way to the city, Konark (where rests the Sun Temple - sculpted with the entire Karma Sutra along its walls) and Puri (a vibrant beach city on the coast).
It was a great day, filled with sightseeing, the beach (swimming in the Bay of Bengal again!), and a great dinner with the CapAsia group at one of the CET student's house.
Things I will miss:
1. Gupchup (pronounced Goopcoop) - it's a snack food - these little potato filled balls dipped in a spiced water -yummmm!
2. The people with whom I've become friends
4. Jacky - the puppy I made friends with just behind the hotel
... yeah that's about it.
Things I won't miss:
1. The honking (which will be everywhere, unfortunately)
2. The stares (I'm sure I'll get those other places too)
3. The picture harassment (it only bothers me when I'm trying to have quiet time) The photo below is actually of a guard that was protecting us from people wanting to take pictures with us - haha!
4. The lack of excitement (Hopefully there will be more of that to come in the next month!)
5. I am sure there are many other things too
To keep it short, sweet and to the point: I really want some "American" food (beef, breakfast foods, sandwiches, etc.), things that I can't find here. Although I am studying to be an urban planner, I am realizing more and more that I am falling back to my roots - I am liking the city less and the rural area more. Those people live a more simplistic (yet rigorous) life and I would much rather have that than the constantly fast paced, non-stop moving sort of lifestyle.
Yesterday, I got to experience this in passing on the way to the city, Konark (where rests the Sun Temple - sculpted with the entire Karma Sutra along its walls) and Puri (a vibrant beach city on the coast).It was a great day, filled with sightseeing, the beach (swimming in the Bay of Bengal again!), and a great dinner with the CapAsia group at one of the CET student's house.
Please look at the small circles in the wheel. This shows the queen's daily life:
1. (starting at what we would see as 1pm) -Waking up
2. Getting dressed
3. Riding her horse
4. Make-up meditation
5. Oral
6-8. Sex
Sounds/Looks like a pretty good day - I'm sure most would agree.
I'm glad I can finally add some photos! It's amazing to see how much more exciting life and my blog is when I am actually doing things! Cheers to the next month of doing things!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Footie Pajamas
There is a faint scent of BBQ lingering in the air, reminding me of summer days at home - pork chops on the grill, hanging out with friends and a cold beer in my hand. But I'm brought back to reality when I look down at the street from a birds eye view. Standing on the top of the roof of our hotel with the sun beaming down on me like it would on a beautiful beach day, I realize I am not at home and only the Indian sun could feel this way in February.
There is an auto-rickshaw strike today and tomorrow. On a regular day, the auto's seem to be the transportation lifeline of the city; but today, more people seem to be walking and the noise pollution is excessively lower than usual. I watch as people drive down the street on their motorcycles and scooters, cars passing every once in a while. Today, I could probably cross the street without feeling my life is on the line or being honked at 20x's to get out of the way. It's a daily struggle to cope with the movement of life in this city and I can only imagine what other city's must be like in India. Although Bhubaneswar seems to be a great city with massive potential, I could never imagine myself living here or even staying longer than what I have now. For me, there is something missing. I have no desire to want to explore this "temple city" to its max - inside-out. Although I love the culture of the area and riding around in an auto watching people's daily lives as I pass by, this city misses "heart."
When asking other where I should visit in the city, most reply with shrugs, saying "any temple, but have you gone to Puri or Konark yet?" And to be frank, all of the temples here seem relatively the same. If I've seen one, I've seen most of them in one way or another. But more importantly, I find that when I ask that question, most point to visit somewhere outside of the city. Thinking back to all of my CouchSurfing experiences and even more personally, when people visit me in Richmond, the first thing I say isn't, "you should go to D.C. or Charlottesville." I love Richmond and I want to show people all it has to offer. Maybe the temples are all Bhubaneswar really has to offer, all they are proud of? Everyday, I can see the impact religion has on their society and culture, and most follow this practice, where the temples are their prize. But there has to be something more that maybe I would have found if I roamed the streets alone; but what I've seen has mostly been in a group or with one or two other people - and that can alter your perceptions.
I relate this back to the time I spent in Grenoble, during my study abroad. I was again in a new place and completely surrounded by a different culture, yet still I found something about the city that had "heart;" just the same as I do with Richmond. There was something different in Grenoble; maybe the fact that I could establish myself there, where here I am in this "in-between" stage of a long-staying traveler just waiting until I move onto my next destination. All the same - I am ready to experience more than what I am now, and I only have a couple more days to go.
Reading into the astrology of my Sagittarian sign, I am in essence a traveler. That is who I am and what I do. I get anxious when I get to the point that I am complacent and have no freedom to move. I feel constrained and it becomes almost like a toxin. Although, this is astrologically accurate, it is also accurate within myself. Interestingly enough, in terms of love and life, a Sagittarian doesn't enjoy traveling unless it is with the one they love (if there is one they love) because being with that lover, is fulfillment in itself. On my second journey around the world, I have found this to be true. There is nothing more I want than to have my love with me, right now. As quoted from the book, Astrology in Love & Romance, "You find an outlet, you find light when you find someone to love. Frankly, love is your salvation. Without it, travel for instance, is no pleasure, it is a quest, a search --- or a mere chore. With it, travel becomes a wondrous journey."
Because of this desperate need to escape my "escape," a journey home seems ideal, all the same. In hindsight, I wonder why I came on this trip in the first place. It has proven to be impacting in some ways, and I should be thankful for that.
I came here with the chance that I might find the thing I was looking for, and as I was riding down Jan Path (one of the busiest roads in Bhubaneswar), unmistakably I noticed a sign that was meant for me to see, saying, "Life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." There is a possibility that everything I had left to search for, I had already found; but I was too blind to see. Doesn't it always work that way? But then again, this could prove to be exactly what I needed all along. Only time will tell.
There is an auto-rickshaw strike today and tomorrow. On a regular day, the auto's seem to be the transportation lifeline of the city; but today, more people seem to be walking and the noise pollution is excessively lower than usual. I watch as people drive down the street on their motorcycles and scooters, cars passing every once in a while. Today, I could probably cross the street without feeling my life is on the line or being honked at 20x's to get out of the way. It's a daily struggle to cope with the movement of life in this city and I can only imagine what other city's must be like in India. Although Bhubaneswar seems to be a great city with massive potential, I could never imagine myself living here or even staying longer than what I have now. For me, there is something missing. I have no desire to want to explore this "temple city" to its max - inside-out. Although I love the culture of the area and riding around in an auto watching people's daily lives as I pass by, this city misses "heart."
When asking other where I should visit in the city, most reply with shrugs, saying "any temple, but have you gone to Puri or Konark yet?" And to be frank, all of the temples here seem relatively the same. If I've seen one, I've seen most of them in one way or another. But more importantly, I find that when I ask that question, most point to visit somewhere outside of the city. Thinking back to all of my CouchSurfing experiences and even more personally, when people visit me in Richmond, the first thing I say isn't, "you should go to D.C. or Charlottesville." I love Richmond and I want to show people all it has to offer. Maybe the temples are all Bhubaneswar really has to offer, all they are proud of? Everyday, I can see the impact religion has on their society and culture, and most follow this practice, where the temples are their prize. But there has to be something more that maybe I would have found if I roamed the streets alone; but what I've seen has mostly been in a group or with one or two other people - and that can alter your perceptions.
I relate this back to the time I spent in Grenoble, during my study abroad. I was again in a new place and completely surrounded by a different culture, yet still I found something about the city that had "heart;" just the same as I do with Richmond. There was something different in Grenoble; maybe the fact that I could establish myself there, where here I am in this "in-between" stage of a long-staying traveler just waiting until I move onto my next destination. All the same - I am ready to experience more than what I am now, and I only have a couple more days to go.
Reading into the astrology of my Sagittarian sign, I am in essence a traveler. That is who I am and what I do. I get anxious when I get to the point that I am complacent and have no freedom to move. I feel constrained and it becomes almost like a toxin. Although, this is astrologically accurate, it is also accurate within myself. Interestingly enough, in terms of love and life, a Sagittarian doesn't enjoy traveling unless it is with the one they love (if there is one they love) because being with that lover, is fulfillment in itself. On my second journey around the world, I have found this to be true. There is nothing more I want than to have my love with me, right now. As quoted from the book, Astrology in Love & Romance, "You find an outlet, you find light when you find someone to love. Frankly, love is your salvation. Without it, travel for instance, is no pleasure, it is a quest, a search --- or a mere chore. With it, travel becomes a wondrous journey."
Because of this desperate need to escape my "escape," a journey home seems ideal, all the same. In hindsight, I wonder why I came on this trip in the first place. It has proven to be impacting in some ways, and I should be thankful for that.
I came here with the chance that I might find the thing I was looking for, and as I was riding down Jan Path (one of the busiest roads in Bhubaneswar), unmistakably I noticed a sign that was meant for me to see, saying, "Life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." There is a possibility that everything I had left to search for, I had already found; but I was too blind to see. Doesn't it always work that way? But then again, this could prove to be exactly what I needed all along. Only time will tell.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Bhubaneswar - Some things I've learned so far
It's been almost a month since I've been in India. It's odd to think that it's gone by so fast, yet I feel that I've been here for so long. I've grown to love Bhubaneswar, the people, the culture, the atmosphere. Although people still stare, there is still trash everywhere, and my heart still throbs for all of the little puppies running around. My ears still ache every time I step outside from the loud honks (often for no reason) as people drive by, and I feel as if I'm breathing in toxins from the air pollution and circulating dust. But that doesn't stop me from enjoying everything else around this town.
The people, I have found, to be the most welcoming. It reminds me of the attitude of the Turkish, where they are utterly and awkwardly interested but at the same time completely hospitable. Just the other day, my group (the transportation team of CapAsia) stopped by an auto rickshaw association to get some information about how the auto-rickshaws work, when a man named Sona and his younger brother began to help us. We ended up spending 2 hours talking with these nice men and left with both of their numbers and Sona's word to take us to the president of the auto association the following day. Holding his promise, he personally took us (by auto) to meet the president. After our meeting, he invited all of us to his home to meet his family - which we discovered was a 2000 sq foot home, consisting of 3 generations, 15 members and 7 of them kids. What a lively experience, meeting the generosity of the family while sipping on chai and snacking on tasty India treats. These are the experiences for which I came to India.
Moreover, as my time here in Bhubaneswar reaches its mid-point, I can only say that my biggest disappointment from being here is my inability to travel to various places in India. Although I am learning an abundance about this city and the transportation here - I have been told that India has a vast array of cultures and that I will never experience the true India until I explore what it has to offer. The culture here is unique from other states in India, so I've heard. More conservative.. gradually (and wanting) to become - and as I can see - more westernized, where as other states may be less or more.
Time. Time is the key to all successful exploration, within life and within ones soul. And I feel I will never have enough, especially here.
That is why I will be taking a week, the 1st of March to explore the foothills and the mountain tops of the Himalaya's in Srinagar, Kashmir, India. Learning and experiencing a little more than what I have so far while limited to Bhubaneswar. I think this will be one of my best experiences.
Academically, I am thoroughly enjoying learning about the transportation culture of Bhu. and particularly the bus and auto systems. I would be happy though to use public transit to get to other cities and I plan to do that when we get our first (and probably only) 2 days back to back, free-time.
Off to the Disco tonight for the first time! Birthday celebrations and then waking up bright and early to stream the Superbowl live at 6am! I'm not opposed to 6am Superbowl party time - It's going to be a long day tomorrow trying to give our presentation to the mayor.
The people, I have found, to be the most welcoming. It reminds me of the attitude of the Turkish, where they are utterly and awkwardly interested but at the same time completely hospitable. Just the other day, my group (the transportation team of CapAsia) stopped by an auto rickshaw association to get some information about how the auto-rickshaws work, when a man named Sona and his younger brother began to help us. We ended up spending 2 hours talking with these nice men and left with both of their numbers and Sona's word to take us to the president of the auto association the following day. Holding his promise, he personally took us (by auto) to meet the president. After our meeting, he invited all of us to his home to meet his family - which we discovered was a 2000 sq foot home, consisting of 3 generations, 15 members and 7 of them kids. What a lively experience, meeting the generosity of the family while sipping on chai and snacking on tasty India treats. These are the experiences for which I came to India.
Moreover, as my time here in Bhubaneswar reaches its mid-point, I can only say that my biggest disappointment from being here is my inability to travel to various places in India. Although I am learning an abundance about this city and the transportation here - I have been told that India has a vast array of cultures and that I will never experience the true India until I explore what it has to offer. The culture here is unique from other states in India, so I've heard. More conservative.. gradually (and wanting) to become - and as I can see - more westernized, where as other states may be less or more.
Time. Time is the key to all successful exploration, within life and within ones soul. And I feel I will never have enough, especially here.
That is why I will be taking a week, the 1st of March to explore the foothills and the mountain tops of the Himalaya's in Srinagar, Kashmir, India. Learning and experiencing a little more than what I have so far while limited to Bhubaneswar. I think this will be one of my best experiences.
Academically, I am thoroughly enjoying learning about the transportation culture of Bhu. and particularly the bus and auto systems. I would be happy though to use public transit to get to other cities and I plan to do that when we get our first (and probably only) 2 days back to back, free-time.
Off to the Disco tonight for the first time! Birthday celebrations and then waking up bright and early to stream the Superbowl live at 6am! I'm not opposed to 6am Superbowl party time - It's going to be a long day tomorrow trying to give our presentation to the mayor.
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