Finding Me.... (Lukasz & Fabi's Wedding, New Year's 2014, Poland, Snowboarding)

WARNING!!! This might be a long one ;)

As many of you know, the last three months of my life have been one of the toughest I've ever experienced. I've gone through an array of emotions, trying to find worthiness again and feeling that life had it out for me, to feeling like I could handle all that I was going through and back and forth again.
I cannot express the gratitude I have for all of the people who have been there to listen, send positive words of encouragement and who helped remind me of who I am. I've realized as I get older that the most important people in your life will be there for you in your good and your bad times; and even those who you never expected to lend a helping hand or give an ear to listen can make such the difference.
It's been a struggle, to say the least, to find me again; but I think I'm finally getting my "spark" back!

As the new year rolled in, I decided to let my problems, sorrows, hardships, worries and everything else that brought me down in 2013, to stay in 2013. I promised myself that I would occupy myself and my time with positive people, positive things and positive thoughts - and it's incredible how amazing I've felt since.

I have to admit, when I missed my train to Paris, which ultimately made me miss my flight to Poland, I was discouraged beyond belief. I thought that was it - that was the end - that was the epic ending to my shitty 2013. But instead, I had friends from all over the world who came to my rescue! They wouldn't let my 2013 end that way, but instead give me something amazing to look forward to in 2014. The bride and groom were looking up buses, flights, trains, etc. for me, just so I could make it to their wedding. Friends in the same city were running around to help me make everything on time, and other friends were searching for any other way for me to make it to Poland. I have to admit - I have some of the most amazing friends ever!
After catching a bus to Milan, Italy, finding an amazing bus driver who gave me a lift an hour away to the airport, sleeping overnight in the airport, getting f'ed over by the airline with extra charges, finally catching the flight, a shuttle and two trains, I made it to Shiraz, Poland (the location of Lukasz & Fabi's Wedding (C'est la vie)) where I had an incredible time celebrating the marriage of two of the most AMAZING people in this world. I can't even describe the inner beauty in these two people. They have so much life and so much love for themselves, other people and the world. I long to appreciate life the way they do.
I cannot thank them enough for who they are, for showing me that life shouldn't be taken for granted and forcing me to be myself again. In the short amount of time we were together in Poland, they helped me find my spirit and love for life again. Being around so many international people, world travelers and those with the same type of spirit as me, opened my eyes and reminded me that I'm not the only one and that there are so many people out there that have the same mentality as I do. I'm not alone and I never will be.

A huge congratulations to the these two amazing people: Lukasz and Fabiola - I wish you a life filled with happiness :)

Furthermore, I spent my New Years 2014 in the an amazing city of Krakow, Poland, with awesome people! What more could I have asked for - it was, by far, one of the best things that could have happened to me. Celebrating New Years Eve in the town square with thousands of other people, dancing the night away and spending time with old and new friends. Not to mention the rest of our stay in Krakow was a blast as well!

One of my less disturbing pictures of Auschwitz - an original
train that brought hundreds of thousands of people to be
slaughtered in the camp. The gates in the far background. 

                                                                             



To sum it up... I also went to Auschwitz (the Nazi concentration camps) and it was one of the most educational and heartbreaking things I've ever seen. I am still in shock to think that people are so cruel and can be so completely brainwashed into thinking that massacring people is okay. Not to mention thinking about the many times throughout history that this has happened, where people have been lessened as human beings and the fact that it still occurs in many places around the world today makes me cringe - I want to rid all evil from this world.


Bref: Since being back from Poland, I've let myself be happy again, extremely and amazingly happy again. Snowboarding has been an incredible release and being around people with similar positive outlooks on life has brought my positivism and optimism to the max once again; and I feel that nothing can bring me down and I won't let anything bring me down.
Finally letting myself accept that everything happens for a reason has been one of the most important things I could have done for myself and letting go of "what could have, should have or would have been" has been my biggest success. Life moves faster than I'd like, time goes by and it's hard to hang on, but one thing I know is that, "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." So I'm going to do it as "right" as I can!


P.S. Got to see this awesome girl who I haven't seen in 3 1/2 years!!! :)

Live for Love - I'm a hopeless romantic

I don't know what it is about Love. I'm a hopeless romantic. An idealist. I live for love - and let me clarify - I live not only for love in a romantic way, but love that grows from the soul that shines through to give to the world. Love is rooted in our hearts. It's what drives us. Love for ourselves. Love for others. Love for the world.
This morning I watched two very special videos about Love. Although these two stem from romantic love, they made me cry happy tears. I pray that one day I will fill someone's life with such love like this.

One day I hope I meet someone who would do this for me:
The Best Proposal - Ever.
It's a little long, but worth every second of it - I definitely cried my eyes out.


This is what LOVE truly is:
Love in its deepest form
Ode to love.

Thank you my friends!

I want to say thank you so much to everyone who responded to my last blog post. I had some amazing responses, thoughtful and deep insights, kind words, inspirational and motivational reflections, and of course, those who helped lift me up. I have never felt so understood, lost, inspired, empty, appreciated and blessed all at the same time. Every one of you who took the time to read and/or respond in any way, whether it was to answer the questions I asked or to give me some good advice, I appreciate every one of you.

I would like to say, after three long months of heartbreak and heartache, truly difficult times coming back to France, lots of personal struggles, feeling less than worthy and trying to figure it all out, I have finally been able to accept that IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Although, I still struggle on a daily basis where thoughts consume my mind, the heartache creeps back in, I reflect on "what could have, should have or would have been," I fight for a smile, I search for answers, etc... I can now say that I have started to let go of the things holding me down. I am no longer in constant grief, I find myself smiling more and more each day, I am trying to Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things, and I am mostly just accepting once more that life comes at you in all directions and no matter which way you take, it's always going to lead you to where you're supposed to be - (although I knew this, it's easier to say than do). I want to thank all of you again for helping push me in the right direction - this direction - toward acceptance and happiness.

Yesterday was the first time I was able to go snowboarding. As you read in a previous post, snowboarding is my escape (my escape from life, reality, my own thoughts, the world). There is nothing like soaring fast down an off-piste trail or through trees in fresh powder, feeling almost as if I'm flying. It was a beautiful, sunny day in the Alps; fresh snow had fallen the previous day, adding the ambiance of winter. Snow coated the trees, the silence rang in the air, apart from the birds singing their sweet, favorite songs. I was lost in happiness for the first time in a long time. Being there with friends, sharing stories and lots of laughs made it such an enjoyable day. Pictures or words cannot describe the feeling or beauty.

7 Laux - Grenoble, France (December 21, 2013)

To finish off an already fulfilling day, I spent the evening with my German and Russian friends (who are both assistants here in France), drinking wine, eating Schnitzel and sharing many more laughs! No better way to end the day. I was also in a food coma from the delicious German food.

The only thing that is still lingering on my mind is the thought of not being with my family and loved ones for the holidays. I miss them, but I will make the best out of Christmas here in Grenoble with friends and then enjoy an exciting trip to Poland! I also just went through so many photos from the past 1-2 years. It's amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye. Cherish what you have while you have it and hold on to the memories that you've made.

Thanks again everyone for giving me encouragement and hope!

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things

If any of you have ever seen Zombieland, it's one of my favorites. I needed to get my mind off things yesterday and what better way than to watch a movie about zombies that actually relates to lessons in life.

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

This was the last and probably most important rule he made on his list for survival in the zombie apocalyptic world. We all too easily forget to "enjoy the little things" in life. We're so focused on the massive things that seem to control our lives, when really those are probably the least important.

As you can tell, I'm a complete contradiction of emotions right now; one day happy, the next day beat down. But that's life. This morning, I woke up quite early, my thoughts keeping me from sleeping any longer. I laid in bed for about an hour, thinking about life and then all the things I needed to do today, and telling myself it was too early to get up on a day I didn't have to work. Finally after much effort and a little push from my pup who needed to go for a walk, I got out of bed, put on my running gear and told myself that I'm going to start the day clearing my mind.
After about 30 minutes, Oeli wasn't having it any longer, stopped in the middle of the path and waited for me to turn around to take him in. I complied because he looked at me with those "oh-so-cute" eyes of his and a cocked head, summoning me closer to see his cuteness.

How could you not love this adorable face!?

As I got closer, he turned around and started running in the direction of our apartment and so I followed. I followed all the way until he stopped near this old man with two canes walking down the sidewalk. The old man smiled at me, pointed at Oeli with the most sincere eyes and we began a conversation. The sincerity in his words made me hope that I, too, can make someone's day by a simple smile. Rule #32: enjoy the little things. We bid farewell and I walked all the way home with a smile on my face.

Life throws us curve balls, people hurt us, people love us, we can find joy in the big and little things, we can hate life sometimes; but most importantly, we have to believe in ourselves. That is one thing I am struggling with right now, believing in me. It seems when the world pushes us down so far, it's difficult to find the positive within you. We just have to keep holding on, give our problems to God and let life take its course.