The Hardest Part is Letting Go

It's hard to let go of the past, the struggle, the pain, the hardship, the regrests, the idea of who you're supposed to be, the idea of who 'they' want you to be - to simply settle on the idea of who you are and who you want and need to be for yourself. The biggest problem is when you don't know exactly what that is. Being lost in a world where society is telling you to do one thing, when you know that it's not what you should be doing.  

We're built to believe that we can do anything; we have the power to change the world; we can make a difference - all of which is true, if you believe it yourself. But society is contradictory, telling us these things, and then when we get to the age that life is supposed to start making sense and we still have no clue what we're doing, society blames us for not making sense of it all. Life Never Makes Sense. In my short-lived life, I've come to realize what those four simple words mean - or have I? 

I am completely lost in life. It's as simple as that. I have no idea what's going to happen next. I have no idea what I want to do next. My life seems to be at the lowest it's ever felt, but then again, maybe it's at its highest. There's something exciting about "uncertainty." Uncertainty - the word describing my life in detail at this moment. I have absolutely no money. Everything seems to be falling apart. I'm currently living in another country, wanting to stay, but in a rough place with deciding how to do that, thinking about prospects all over the world, wanting to find something that's going to allow me to travel, constantly keep me on my toes, hardly sit down at a desk for more than a couple of days (or hours) at a time and that allows me to use my abilities to their best - is damn hard to find! If only life were simple - but then it wouldn't be life. 

Are lights guiding me home? I doubt that, I don't feel attached to "home" at all anymore. My world feels completely inside out, where I can establish "home" anywhere. Home is where the heart is, right? And if you have no idea where you're heart is? 

Why is the hardest part letting go? Why can't we let go of life and the weight of the world and "Just Have Fun?" Having always tried to follow the mantra of "just have fun" and "live life to the fullest," I feel the universe weighing down on me, eating at my soul, working against me, forcing me to fall into the norms of society. If I could escape to a far away place where like minded people lived, away from the corrupt world that is ruled by capitalism and greed, I would pack my bag, grab Oeli and go. *(This place would preferably have a beautiful beach, along with mountains where I could snowboard)*

If only such a place existed, where I could leave all of the "worldly" chaos and pressure. 

It's hard to let go of the ideas planted in my mind of who I should be, who people expect me to be and even who I want to be. It's hard to let go of the constant thoughts corrupting my mind on "what's next," "the future," "my purpose in life." It's hard to let go of the fact that I'm so incredibly lost, knowing I should just let things be and come as they come and "just have fun" in the meantime. Easier said than done. I'm still so young, yet I feel so old. The burdens of life weighing me down. But no matter how heavy they may be, I will keep walking (to where, I don't know), and I will grow stronger and my load will become lighter. 

These are some amazing rules to live by. Now,
let me practice what I preach.

Finding Me.... (Lukasz & Fabi's Wedding, New Year's 2014, Poland, Snowboarding)

WARNING!!! This might be a long one ;)

As many of you know, the last three months of my life have been one of the toughest I've ever experienced. I've gone through an array of emotions, trying to find worthiness again and feeling that life had it out for me, to feeling like I could handle all that I was going through and back and forth again.
I cannot express the gratitude I have for all of the people who have been there to listen, send positive words of encouragement and who helped remind me of who I am. I've realized as I get older that the most important people in your life will be there for you in your good and your bad times; and even those who you never expected to lend a helping hand or give an ear to listen can make such the difference.
It's been a struggle, to say the least, to find me again; but I think I'm finally getting my "spark" back!

As the new year rolled in, I decided to let my problems, sorrows, hardships, worries and everything else that brought me down in 2013, to stay in 2013. I promised myself that I would occupy myself and my time with positive people, positive things and positive thoughts - and it's incredible how amazing I've felt since.

I have to admit, when I missed my train to Paris, which ultimately made me miss my flight to Poland, I was discouraged beyond belief. I thought that was it - that was the end - that was the epic ending to my shitty 2013. But instead, I had friends from all over the world who came to my rescue! They wouldn't let my 2013 end that way, but instead give me something amazing to look forward to in 2014. The bride and groom were looking up buses, flights, trains, etc. for me, just so I could make it to their wedding. Friends in the same city were running around to help me make everything on time, and other friends were searching for any other way for me to make it to Poland. I have to admit - I have some of the most amazing friends ever!
After catching a bus to Milan, Italy, finding an amazing bus driver who gave me a lift an hour away to the airport, sleeping overnight in the airport, getting f'ed over by the airline with extra charges, finally catching the flight, a shuttle and two trains, I made it to Shiraz, Poland (the location of Lukasz & Fabi's Wedding (C'est la vie)) where I had an incredible time celebrating the marriage of two of the most AMAZING people in this world. I can't even describe the inner beauty in these two people. They have so much life and so much love for themselves, other people and the world. I long to appreciate life the way they do.
I cannot thank them enough for who they are, for showing me that life shouldn't be taken for granted and forcing me to be myself again. In the short amount of time we were together in Poland, they helped me find my spirit and love for life again. Being around so many international people, world travelers and those with the same type of spirit as me, opened my eyes and reminded me that I'm not the only one and that there are so many people out there that have the same mentality as I do. I'm not alone and I never will be.

A huge congratulations to the these two amazing people: Lukasz and Fabiola - I wish you a life filled with happiness :)

Furthermore, I spent my New Years 2014 in the an amazing city of Krakow, Poland, with awesome people! What more could I have asked for - it was, by far, one of the best things that could have happened to me. Celebrating New Years Eve in the town square with thousands of other people, dancing the night away and spending time with old and new friends. Not to mention the rest of our stay in Krakow was a blast as well!

One of my less disturbing pictures of Auschwitz - an original
train that brought hundreds of thousands of people to be
slaughtered in the camp. The gates in the far background. 

                                                                             



To sum it up... I also went to Auschwitz (the Nazi concentration camps) and it was one of the most educational and heartbreaking things I've ever seen. I am still in shock to think that people are so cruel and can be so completely brainwashed into thinking that massacring people is okay. Not to mention thinking about the many times throughout history that this has happened, where people have been lessened as human beings and the fact that it still occurs in many places around the world today makes me cringe - I want to rid all evil from this world.


Bref: Since being back from Poland, I've let myself be happy again, extremely and amazingly happy again. Snowboarding has been an incredible release and being around people with similar positive outlooks on life has brought my positivism and optimism to the max once again; and I feel that nothing can bring me down and I won't let anything bring me down.
Finally letting myself accept that everything happens for a reason has been one of the most important things I could have done for myself and letting go of "what could have, should have or would have been" has been my biggest success. Life moves faster than I'd like, time goes by and it's hard to hang on, but one thing I know is that, "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." So I'm going to do it as "right" as I can!


P.S. Got to see this awesome girl who I haven't seen in 3 1/2 years!!! :)

Live for Love - I'm a hopeless romantic

I don't know what it is about Love. I'm a hopeless romantic. An idealist. I live for love - and let me clarify - I live not only for love in a romantic way, but love that grows from the soul that shines through to give to the world. Love is rooted in our hearts. It's what drives us. Love for ourselves. Love for others. Love for the world.
This morning I watched two very special videos about Love. Although these two stem from romantic love, they made me cry happy tears. I pray that one day I will fill someone's life with such love like this.

One day I hope I meet someone who would do this for me:
The Best Proposal - Ever.
It's a little long, but worth every second of it - I definitely cried my eyes out.


This is what LOVE truly is:
Love in its deepest form
Ode to love.

Thank you my friends!

I want to say thank you so much to everyone who responded to my last blog post. I had some amazing responses, thoughtful and deep insights, kind words, inspirational and motivational reflections, and of course, those who helped lift me up. I have never felt so understood, lost, inspired, empty, appreciated and blessed all at the same time. Every one of you who took the time to read and/or respond in any way, whether it was to answer the questions I asked or to give me some good advice, I appreciate every one of you.

I would like to say, after three long months of heartbreak and heartache, truly difficult times coming back to France, lots of personal struggles, feeling less than worthy and trying to figure it all out, I have finally been able to accept that IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Although, I still struggle on a daily basis where thoughts consume my mind, the heartache creeps back in, I reflect on "what could have, should have or would have been," I fight for a smile, I search for answers, etc... I can now say that I have started to let go of the things holding me down. I am no longer in constant grief, I find myself smiling more and more each day, I am trying to Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things, and I am mostly just accepting once more that life comes at you in all directions and no matter which way you take, it's always going to lead you to where you're supposed to be - (although I knew this, it's easier to say than do). I want to thank all of you again for helping push me in the right direction - this direction - toward acceptance and happiness.

Yesterday was the first time I was able to go snowboarding. As you read in a previous post, snowboarding is my escape (my escape from life, reality, my own thoughts, the world). There is nothing like soaring fast down an off-piste trail or through trees in fresh powder, feeling almost as if I'm flying. It was a beautiful, sunny day in the Alps; fresh snow had fallen the previous day, adding the ambiance of winter. Snow coated the trees, the silence rang in the air, apart from the birds singing their sweet, favorite songs. I was lost in happiness for the first time in a long time. Being there with friends, sharing stories and lots of laughs made it such an enjoyable day. Pictures or words cannot describe the feeling or beauty.

7 Laux - Grenoble, France (December 21, 2013)

To finish off an already fulfilling day, I spent the evening with my German and Russian friends (who are both assistants here in France), drinking wine, eating Schnitzel and sharing many more laughs! No better way to end the day. I was also in a food coma from the delicious German food.

The only thing that is still lingering on my mind is the thought of not being with my family and loved ones for the holidays. I miss them, but I will make the best out of Christmas here in Grenoble with friends and then enjoy an exciting trip to Poland! I also just went through so many photos from the past 1-2 years. It's amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye. Cherish what you have while you have it and hold on to the memories that you've made.

Thanks again everyone for giving me encouragement and hope!