Living Life - Back in America

It wasn't easy knowing I was leaving my beloved Grenoble, the place that had become my home. I was happy there. I enjoyed the culture, lifestyle and people who had become a part of my life. But all good things come to an end; and so, I left my Grenoble apartment at 3:45am on the morning of May 22, 2014, knowing that would be the last time I would see this beautiful city again for a long while.

It was bitter-sweet, the return home. I had some amazing help at the airport, Oeli was the best travel dog ever and I got to drink my sorrows away on board, for free. I was greeted with a friendly smile from one of my great friends at the airport, who so graciously picked me up in D.C., and we drove back to begin another life in the States.

The days were long as jet-lag set in, Memorial Day weekend was in full throttle and thousands of emotions swept over me like a storm of wildfire. I didn't know how to think, act, feel... be. I just knew that I was in a new chapter of my life while still re-reading chapters of my past. Unhappy thoughts and sorrow rushed over me. Dreams of the past haunted me. I had opened a can of worms coming back to the life I had once known, that was no longer the same.

“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
― John Steinbeck

My lights went out when I came home and I'm still fighting to turn them all back on. I don't know how long it will take or how long I will have to fight, but I'll never stop. 

It's my family and friends that make me smile, the memories that I will never forget that push me to make new ones, and knowing that the world has so much to offer that drives me to do my best. I am on just one small branch of my Tree of Life. No matter how much doubt I feel today, I control how I will feel tomorrow... and I am on a mission to make the best out of life! 

Living my last days in France

T-18 days until my visa expires. I wish I could say that I was beyond thrilled to go home, but with little enthusiasm, I will be heading back to the United States.
Although this experience in France has been quite different than my previous, I have to admit, it was everything I had hoped for and needed - and more.

Starting off a little rough, beaten down, heartbroken and lost, my first months in France were not an easy feat. I questioned my decision to move across the vast ocean, yet again, leaving everything I loved behind. I wondered if my decisions were actually what I wanted or just what I thought I wanted. But I had made my choice, accepted the consequences and had to keep living. There is no reliving the past, so focus on the present and let the future come at will.

Once I finally accepted that I could do nothing about the external things that were affecting my spirit, I tried to let the negativity go and surround myself with positive people and energy. I started my #100HappyDays which helped me appreciate, once again, the little things in life that make me happy, and I began moving to a better place within myself. I still struggle, from time to time, as thoughts of the past pop into my head or questions about my decisions or the future storm over me, but overall this experience has helped shape me back into the person I want to be.

Still as the days tick on... I have yet to buy my plane ticket (1. because it is so damn expensive and I can't afford it and 2. I am secretly prolonging my return as much as possible). This is not to say that I can't wait to see my wonderful family and friends back home, but more so because I am slightly worried I will slip back into the dejected emotional state I was experiencing before.

I should probably get on that ticket thing.

I love my life here, the culture, the language, the leisure, the people. The way of living is much more relaxed without the constant stress or hustle and bustle. It makes me feel more alive. I am worried I will be re-caught in the death-trap of 40+ hour work weeks, little to no vacation time, minimal time for self reflection and the constant "go, go, go," lifestyle. I understand why the French love France, and not just for their work ethics *sarcasm* (this could be an entirely new blog post), but for the mellow and agréable ambiance of their lives of which I have become so accustomed.


It takes being forced to go home to realize my heart isn't ready.

Oeli and I have adapted well here and I was hoping to find a job that would allow us to stay at least another year, but things haven't worked out and we have to carry on. I am not ready to leave, but I know wherever the wind takes us next, there is a great ride ahead. Staying positive, staying hopeful, and staying strong to who I am - with a smile.