I decided to write my first blog post since I arrived back in Grenoble. I'm still trying to decided how to write this, so I'll just go off my feelings.
I search everyday for the reason I decided to come back here. Maybe it was the idealistic thought of being back in France, or the desire to perfect my french; maybe it was my need to find a cure to a missing piece of my soul that I thought I would somehow find by coming here. As the days go on and get harder, I continue to search for the answer to this very question: why?
I have felt that through the good and the bad times in my life, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I could see it in the far distance. I could see that there was a glow that drove me closer and closer to overcoming whatever I was facing. Since being back in Grenoble, I have never felt that my life has been torn into so many pieces as it does now. My time here as been hard; harder than I ever expected. It has torn me apart emotionally and has dampened my enthusiasm for life. I went from loving my life and everything around me, to trying to make it day by day. As I'm fairly good at hiding a lot of my emotions and feelings, from an outside view you probably wouldn't notice how desperate I am to find happiness in my life again. With all the small things adding up, I've found it difficult to appreciate the other things that I should be thankful for. I find it difficult to look in the mirror and see the woman I know I am inside.
Sometimes we make decisions in life that we think are what we want or right for us at the time, that turn out to be the one thing that completely breaks us in two.
As depressing as this post is, it's essential to truly understand what I'm feeling if you want to know why I'm writing this way: Kristi, "the world traveler," the girl who is driven to live her life to the fullest and make the world her playground has fallen off the monkey bars of the world and wants to ground herself to love and commitment. That being said, I have lost the man I love because of my decision to journey back to France and I don't know how to fight for him anymore. I've expressed every emotion I feel for him in hopes that he will fight with me and fight for me. I would come home tomorrow if he wanted to live his life with me again. I would give him my everything.
We all make mistakes - mine was leaving in search of something I already had, happiness.
Aside from the emotional destruction in my life, my decision to come here has been a hard financial burden. I was thinking of opportunity instead of practicality and that, my friends, isn't always the best way to think. As much as I want to reflect that this is actually an opportunity, the practical and reasonable side of my mind is asking that same question: why? If only I could have seen where I would be now before I made my decision (both emotionally and financially), I would have listened to the reasonable side of myself. "They" say that everything happens for a reason. I am here for a reason, even though I may not know what it is yet, I am here. My "Kristi's Tree of Life" philosophy tells me that it was me who made this choice, and maybe it was for some reason I don't know quite yet, but I can never go back to the last branch; and now everything has changed and will forever be changed.
I don't know how to apologize to the one I love for making this mistake. I don't know anymore how to find happiness in something or somewhere that no longer makes me happy. I don't know how to live anymore as the girl I once knew. As much as I try to force myself to think in a positive light, to uplift myself and enjoy my time while I'm here and "see what happens in life" when I get back, I am having a hard time doing that. I want to come home and I want to be reunited with the man I love.
I know that there are things I can no longer control. I can't control the emotions or feelings of another person. I can't control how someone thinks or the actions they take. I can't control life. All I can do is pray... pray for happiness. I never thought I would be this girl who changes her heart and way of life, but we all change sometimes and I think the most important thing in life is love and love is what I want to feel; love is what I want to give.
