I don't know what it is about Love. I'm a hopeless romantic. An idealist. I live for love - and let me clarify - I live not only for love in a romantic way, but love that grows from the soul that shines through to give to the world. Love is rooted in our hearts. It's what drives us. Love for ourselves. Love for others. Love for the world.
This morning I watched two very special videos about Love. Although these two stem from romantic love, they made me cry happy tears. I pray that one day I will fill someone's life with such love like this.
One day I hope I meet someone who would do this for me:
The Best Proposal - Ever.
It's a little long, but worth every second of it - I definitely cried my eyes out.
This is what LOVE truly is:
Love in its deepest form
Ode to love.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Thank you my friends!
I want to say thank you so much to everyone who responded to my last blog post. I had some amazing responses, thoughtful and deep insights, kind words, inspirational and motivational reflections, and of course, those who helped lift me up. I have never felt so understood, lost, inspired, empty, appreciated and blessed all at the same time. Every one of you who took the time to read and/or respond in any way, whether it was to answer the questions I asked or to give me some good advice, I appreciate every one of you.
I would like to say, after three long months of heartbreak and heartache, truly difficult times coming back to France, lots of personal struggles, feeling less than worthy and trying to figure it all out, I have finally been able to accept that IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Although, I still struggle on a daily basis where thoughts consume my mind, the heartache creeps back in, I reflect on "what could have, should have or would have been," I fight for a smile, I search for answers, etc... I can now say that I have started to let go of the things holding me down. I am no longer in constant grief, I find myself smiling more and more each day, I am trying to Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things, and I am mostly just accepting once more that life comes at you in all directions and no matter which way you take, it's always going to lead you to where you're supposed to be - (although I knew this, it's easier to say than do). I want to thank all of you again for helping push me in the right direction - this direction - toward acceptance and happiness.
Yesterday was the first time I was able to go snowboarding. As you read in a previous post, snowboarding is my escape (my escape from life, reality, my own thoughts, the world). There is nothing like soaring fast down an off-piste trail or through trees in fresh powder, feeling almost as if I'm flying. It was a beautiful, sunny day in the Alps; fresh snow had fallen the previous day, adding the ambiance of winter. Snow coated the trees, the silence rang in the air, apart from the birds singing their sweet, favorite songs. I was lost in happiness for the first time in a long time. Being there with friends, sharing stories and lots of laughs made it such an enjoyable day. Pictures or words cannot describe the feeling or beauty.
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| 7 Laux - Grenoble, France (December 21, 2013) |
The only thing that is still lingering on my mind is the thought of not being with my family and loved ones for the holidays. I miss them, but I will make the best out of Christmas here in Grenoble with friends and then enjoy an exciting trip to Poland! I also just went through so many photos from the past 1-2 years. It's amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye. Cherish what you have while you have it and hold on to the memories that you've made.
Thanks again everyone for giving me encouragement and hope!
Monday, December 16, 2013
Rule #32: Enjoy the little things
If any of you have ever seen Zombieland, it's one of my favorites. I needed to get my mind off things yesterday and what better way than to watch a movie about zombies that actually relates to lessons in life.
Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.
This was the last and probably most important rule he made on his list for survival in the zombie apocalyptic world. We all too easily forget to "enjoy the little things" in life. We're so focused on the massive things that seem to control our lives, when really those are probably the least important.
As you can tell, I'm a complete contradiction of emotions right now; one day happy, the next day beat down. But that's life. This morning, I woke up quite early, my thoughts keeping me from sleeping any longer. I laid in bed for about an hour, thinking about life and then all the things I needed to do today, and telling myself it was too early to get up on a day I didn't have to work. Finally after much effort and a little push from my pup who needed to go for a walk, I got out of bed, put on my running gear and told myself that I'm going to start the day clearing my mind.
After about 30 minutes, Oeli wasn't having it any longer, stopped in the middle of the path and waited for me to turn around to take him in. I complied because he looked at me with those "oh-so-cute" eyes of his and a cocked head, summoning me closer to see his cuteness.
As I got closer, he turned around and started running in the direction of our apartment and so I followed. I followed all the way until he stopped near this old man with two canes walking down the sidewalk. The old man smiled at me, pointed at Oeli with the most sincere eyes and we began a conversation. The sincerity in his words made me hope that I, too, can make someone's day by a simple smile. Rule #32: enjoy the little things. We bid farewell and I walked all the way home with a smile on my face.
Life throws us curve balls, people hurt us, people love us, we can find joy in the big and little things, we can hate life sometimes; but most importantly, we have to believe in ourselves. That is one thing I am struggling with right now, believing in me. It seems when the world pushes us down so far, it's difficult to find the positive within you. We just have to keep holding on, give our problems to God and let life take its course.
Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.
As you can tell, I'm a complete contradiction of emotions right now; one day happy, the next day beat down. But that's life. This morning, I woke up quite early, my thoughts keeping me from sleeping any longer. I laid in bed for about an hour, thinking about life and then all the things I needed to do today, and telling myself it was too early to get up on a day I didn't have to work. Finally after much effort and a little push from my pup who needed to go for a walk, I got out of bed, put on my running gear and told myself that I'm going to start the day clearing my mind.
After about 30 minutes, Oeli wasn't having it any longer, stopped in the middle of the path and waited for me to turn around to take him in. I complied because he looked at me with those "oh-so-cute" eyes of his and a cocked head, summoning me closer to see his cuteness.
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| How could you not love this adorable face!? |
As I got closer, he turned around and started running in the direction of our apartment and so I followed. I followed all the way until he stopped near this old man with two canes walking down the sidewalk. The old man smiled at me, pointed at Oeli with the most sincere eyes and we began a conversation. The sincerity in his words made me hope that I, too, can make someone's day by a simple smile. Rule #32: enjoy the little things. We bid farewell and I walked all the way home with a smile on my face.
Life throws us curve balls, people hurt us, people love us, we can find joy in the big and little things, we can hate life sometimes; but most importantly, we have to believe in ourselves. That is one thing I am struggling with right now, believing in me. It seems when the world pushes us down so far, it's difficult to find the positive within you. We just have to keep holding on, give our problems to God and let life take its course.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Poem: Reweave the Soul
This is a poem I wrote back at the end of October and I thought I would finally share it. It captivates many of the emotions I've been feeling over the past couple of months. It is titled: Reweave the Soul
I'm broken, shattered
Into a million different pieces
Trying to find ways to mend my soul
I'm torn between two worlds of love
Trying to make my heart feel whole
The pain wrenching and tearing and shredding me apart
I can't find my way back home
I'd give anything to have my two worlds collide
In a harmony that tends to my soul
And I've lost myself and love and happiness along the way
I try to redo what I've undone
Is what I lost really lost and forever gone
Or can I remend what I've begun?
I'd take the world at my hands and give it all away
To change the past and choices made
For everything I come to find, I had found where it was laid -
My heart rests waiting and longing for clarity of oppression caused by me.
ALTHOUGH some of these feelings and emotions have minimized, they still linger in my mind and heart and I long for the day that I feel only happiness again.
Reweave the Soul by Kristi Hall
I'm broken, shattered
Into a million different pieces
Trying to find ways to mend my soul
I'm torn between two worlds of love
Trying to make my heart feel whole
The pain wrenching and tearing and shredding me apart
I can't find my way back home
I'd give anything to have my two worlds collide
In a harmony that tends to my soul
And I've lost myself and love and happiness along the way
I try to redo what I've undone
Is what I lost really lost and forever gone
Or can I remend what I've begun?
I'd take the world at my hands and give it all away
To change the past and choices made
For everything I come to find, I had found where it was laid -
My heart rests waiting and longing for clarity of oppression caused by me.
ALTHOUGH some of these feelings and emotions have minimized, they still linger in my mind and heart and I long for the day that I feel only happiness again.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
"Live, because 'Life Goes On'."
After my last blog post (which I have to admit, I didn't think many people would read - I forgot it posts automatically to Facebook) I received some amazing and very kind words from many people. Not only has it helped me see that people do actually care what goes on in someone else's life, but it has really inspired me to look deeper into my life and appreciate myself for who I am. That although I may be in a rough place right now in life (which we all go through at one point or another), the phrase, "life goes on" is something that I have to remember on a daily basis. That I have a lot to offer the world and one day I will find someone who appreciates me for everything I am, with my flaws and all of my traits (positive and negative). That I should never change who I am and when I find the person that matches me best, they will love me for all that I am and want to do in my life, and they will fight for that love no matter the circumstance. My selfish acts will no longer be considered selfish because selfish means, "concerned primarily with one's own interests," but instead those interests will be mutual; and as long as I'm always willing to compromise but never give up my dreams, happiness will flow through me. I also have to remember that I am able to find happiness within myself and that is the primary goal.
Although it is still hard to accept this, still being in love with someone who is no longer in love with me, I am trying to take life day by day and not let it control me or my happiness.
Even in all of the negative situations I've got myself into this time, I have to remember that I still have many things to be thankful for and that life is a roller coaster and I need to enjoy the ride (through the fun, exciting, heart-wrenching and scary parts).
As Christmas gets closer, the days get shorter and the nights get longer and my heart longs more and more to be home with my family and the ones I love. Celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas here with friends has been a great pleasure and brought joy into my life again, but there is nothing like the comfort of having those you love around you for the holiday's. My one Christmas wish would be to go home for Christmas. Unfortunately, airline prices make that nearly impossible on my budget and I will spend Christmas here in Grenoble with my pup before heading off to Poland for a wedding and then New Years 2014.
It's amazing to think how so much changes over the years... how fast the years start to go by as I get older. My mom always told me they would, but we never believe our parents until it happens and we find out they were actually right!
Fun Fact: I made my first homemade carrot cake and it is DELICIOUS!
Thought of the day: It's really too bad teleportation hasn't been invented yet.
Cannot wait for: My first day on the mountain snowboarding!
Staying positive and seeking happiness, day by day.
Although it is still hard to accept this, still being in love with someone who is no longer in love with me, I am trying to take life day by day and not let it control me or my happiness.
Even in all of the negative situations I've got myself into this time, I have to remember that I still have many things to be thankful for and that life is a roller coaster and I need to enjoy the ride (through the fun, exciting, heart-wrenching and scary parts).
As Christmas gets closer, the days get shorter and the nights get longer and my heart longs more and more to be home with my family and the ones I love. Celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas here with friends has been a great pleasure and brought joy into my life again, but there is nothing like the comfort of having those you love around you for the holiday's. My one Christmas wish would be to go home for Christmas. Unfortunately, airline prices make that nearly impossible on my budget and I will spend Christmas here in Grenoble with my pup before heading off to Poland for a wedding and then New Years 2014.
It's amazing to think how so much changes over the years... how fast the years start to go by as I get older. My mom always told me they would, but we never believe our parents until it happens and we find out they were actually right!
Fun Fact: I made my first homemade carrot cake and it is DELICIOUS!
Thought of the day: It's really too bad teleportation hasn't been invented yet.
Cannot wait for: My first day on the mountain snowboarding!
Staying positive and seeking happiness, day by day.
Monday, November 25, 2013
I never thought I'd be the girl who'd change...
I decided to write my first blog post since I arrived back in Grenoble. I'm still trying to decided how to write this, so I'll just go off my feelings.
I search everyday for the reason I decided to come back here. Maybe it was the idealistic thought of being back in France, or the desire to perfect my french; maybe it was my need to find a cure to a missing piece of my soul that I thought I would somehow find by coming here. As the days go on and get harder, I continue to search for the answer to this very question: why?
I have felt that through the good and the bad times in my life, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I could see it in the far distance. I could see that there was a glow that drove me closer and closer to overcoming whatever I was facing. Since being back in Grenoble, I have never felt that my life has been torn into so many pieces as it does now. My time here as been hard; harder than I ever expected. It has torn me apart emotionally and has dampened my enthusiasm for life. I went from loving my life and everything around me, to trying to make it day by day. As I'm fairly good at hiding a lot of my emotions and feelings, from an outside view you probably wouldn't notice how desperate I am to find happiness in my life again. With all the small things adding up, I've found it difficult to appreciate the other things that I should be thankful for. I find it difficult to look in the mirror and see the woman I know I am inside.
Sometimes we make decisions in life that we think are what we want or right for us at the time, that turn out to be the one thing that completely breaks us in two.
As depressing as this post is, it's essential to truly understand what I'm feeling if you want to know why I'm writing this way: Kristi, "the world traveler," the girl who is driven to live her life to the fullest and make the world her playground has fallen off the monkey bars of the world and wants to ground herself to love and commitment. That being said, I have lost the man I love because of my decision to journey back to France and I don't know how to fight for him anymore. I've expressed every emotion I feel for him in hopes that he will fight with me and fight for me. I would come home tomorrow if he wanted to live his life with me again. I would give him my everything.
We all make mistakes - mine was leaving in search of something I already had, happiness.
Aside from the emotional destruction in my life, my decision to come here has been a hard financial burden. I was thinking of opportunity instead of practicality and that, my friends, isn't always the best way to think. As much as I want to reflect that this is actually an opportunity, the practical and reasonable side of my mind is asking that same question: why? If only I could have seen where I would be now before I made my decision (both emotionally and financially), I would have listened to the reasonable side of myself. "They" say that everything happens for a reason. I am here for a reason, even though I may not know what it is yet, I am here. My "Kristi's Tree of Life" philosophy tells me that it was me who made this choice, and maybe it was for some reason I don't know quite yet, but I can never go back to the last branch; and now everything has changed and will forever be changed.
I don't know how to apologize to the one I love for making this mistake. I don't know anymore how to find happiness in something or somewhere that no longer makes me happy. I don't know how to live anymore as the girl I once knew. As much as I try to force myself to think in a positive light, to uplift myself and enjoy my time while I'm here and "see what happens in life" when I get back, I am having a hard time doing that. I want to come home and I want to be reunited with the man I love.
I know that there are things I can no longer control. I can't control the emotions or feelings of another person. I can't control how someone thinks or the actions they take. I can't control life. All I can do is pray... pray for happiness. I never thought I would be this girl who changes her heart and way of life, but we all change sometimes and I think the most important thing in life is love and love is what I want to feel; love is what I want to give.
I search everyday for the reason I decided to come back here. Maybe it was the idealistic thought of being back in France, or the desire to perfect my french; maybe it was my need to find a cure to a missing piece of my soul that I thought I would somehow find by coming here. As the days go on and get harder, I continue to search for the answer to this very question: why?
I have felt that through the good and the bad times in my life, there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I could see it in the far distance. I could see that there was a glow that drove me closer and closer to overcoming whatever I was facing. Since being back in Grenoble, I have never felt that my life has been torn into so many pieces as it does now. My time here as been hard; harder than I ever expected. It has torn me apart emotionally and has dampened my enthusiasm for life. I went from loving my life and everything around me, to trying to make it day by day. As I'm fairly good at hiding a lot of my emotions and feelings, from an outside view you probably wouldn't notice how desperate I am to find happiness in my life again. With all the small things adding up, I've found it difficult to appreciate the other things that I should be thankful for. I find it difficult to look in the mirror and see the woman I know I am inside.
Sometimes we make decisions in life that we think are what we want or right for us at the time, that turn out to be the one thing that completely breaks us in two.
As depressing as this post is, it's essential to truly understand what I'm feeling if you want to know why I'm writing this way: Kristi, "the world traveler," the girl who is driven to live her life to the fullest and make the world her playground has fallen off the monkey bars of the world and wants to ground herself to love and commitment. That being said, I have lost the man I love because of my decision to journey back to France and I don't know how to fight for him anymore. I've expressed every emotion I feel for him in hopes that he will fight with me and fight for me. I would come home tomorrow if he wanted to live his life with me again. I would give him my everything.
We all make mistakes - mine was leaving in search of something I already had, happiness.
Aside from the emotional destruction in my life, my decision to come here has been a hard financial burden. I was thinking of opportunity instead of practicality and that, my friends, isn't always the best way to think. As much as I want to reflect that this is actually an opportunity, the practical and reasonable side of my mind is asking that same question: why? If only I could have seen where I would be now before I made my decision (both emotionally and financially), I would have listened to the reasonable side of myself. "They" say that everything happens for a reason. I am here for a reason, even though I may not know what it is yet, I am here. My "Kristi's Tree of Life" philosophy tells me that it was me who made this choice, and maybe it was for some reason I don't know quite yet, but I can never go back to the last branch; and now everything has changed and will forever be changed.
I don't know how to apologize to the one I love for making this mistake. I don't know anymore how to find happiness in something or somewhere that no longer makes me happy. I don't know how to live anymore as the girl I once knew. As much as I try to force myself to think in a positive light, to uplift myself and enjoy my time while I'm here and "see what happens in life" when I get back, I am having a hard time doing that. I want to come home and I want to be reunited with the man I love.
I know that there are things I can no longer control. I can't control the emotions or feelings of another person. I can't control how someone thinks or the actions they take. I can't control life. All I can do is pray... pray for happiness. I never thought I would be this girl who changes her heart and way of life, but we all change sometimes and I think the most important thing in life is love and love is what I want to feel; love is what I want to give.
Monday, February 25, 2013
The Last Full Day
As my time in Bhubaneswar comes to an end, I can't help but thinking how happy and excited I am to explore and visit other parts of India, then ultimately, Kathmandu, Nepal. To say the least, this experience as been different than any other time traveling and today was the first day that I really saw Bhubaneswar in a different light. Our presentations and projects are finished, we have no more field work (yet I still find myself doing analysis) and we are leaving tomorrow for Delhi. Today, as I walked about, much like I actually lived in the city, there was something different about it. I could walk around knowing that I didn't have to analyze it, but I could take it in and enjoy it for all it was worth. Running into someone I had met a couple of weeks ago in an auto, it made me think that people live their lives here, and I was just a pawn in this 7 week long chess game.
Things I will miss:
1. Gupchup (pronounced Goopcoop) - it's a snack food - these little potato filled balls dipped in a spiced water -yummmm!
2. The people with whom I've become friends
3. Accessibility and knowing where everything is
4. Jacky - the puppy I made friends with just behind the hotel
... yeah that's about it.
Things I won't miss:
1. The honking (which will be everywhere, unfortunately)
2. The stares (I'm sure I'll get those other places too)
3. The picture harassment (it only bothers me when I'm trying to have quiet time) The photo below is actually of a guard that was protecting us from people wanting to take pictures with us - haha!
4. The lack of excitement (Hopefully there will be more of that to come in the next month!)
5. I am sure there are many other things too
To keep it short, sweet and to the point: I really want some "American" food (beef, breakfast foods, sandwiches, etc.), things that I can't find here. Although I am studying to be an urban planner, I am realizing more and more that I am falling back to my roots - I am liking the city less and the rural area more. Those people live a more simplistic (yet rigorous) life and I would much rather have that than the constantly fast paced, non-stop moving sort of lifestyle.
Yesterday, I got to experience this in passing on the way to the city, Konark (where rests the Sun Temple - sculpted with the entire Karma Sutra along its walls) and Puri (a vibrant beach city on the coast).
It was a great day, filled with sightseeing, the beach (swimming in the Bay of Bengal again!), and a great dinner with the CapAsia group at one of the CET student's house.
Things I will miss:
1. Gupchup (pronounced Goopcoop) - it's a snack food - these little potato filled balls dipped in a spiced water -yummmm!
2. The people with whom I've become friends
4. Jacky - the puppy I made friends with just behind the hotel
... yeah that's about it.
Things I won't miss:
1. The honking (which will be everywhere, unfortunately)
2. The stares (I'm sure I'll get those other places too)
3. The picture harassment (it only bothers me when I'm trying to have quiet time) The photo below is actually of a guard that was protecting us from people wanting to take pictures with us - haha!
4. The lack of excitement (Hopefully there will be more of that to come in the next month!)
5. I am sure there are many other things too
To keep it short, sweet and to the point: I really want some "American" food (beef, breakfast foods, sandwiches, etc.), things that I can't find here. Although I am studying to be an urban planner, I am realizing more and more that I am falling back to my roots - I am liking the city less and the rural area more. Those people live a more simplistic (yet rigorous) life and I would much rather have that than the constantly fast paced, non-stop moving sort of lifestyle.
Yesterday, I got to experience this in passing on the way to the city, Konark (where rests the Sun Temple - sculpted with the entire Karma Sutra along its walls) and Puri (a vibrant beach city on the coast).It was a great day, filled with sightseeing, the beach (swimming in the Bay of Bengal again!), and a great dinner with the CapAsia group at one of the CET student's house.
Please look at the small circles in the wheel. This shows the queen's daily life:
1. (starting at what we would see as 1pm) -Waking up
2. Getting dressed
3. Riding her horse
4. Make-up meditation
5. Oral
6-8. Sex
Sounds/Looks like a pretty good day - I'm sure most would agree.
I'm glad I can finally add some photos! It's amazing to see how much more exciting life and my blog is when I am actually doing things! Cheers to the next month of doing things!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Footie Pajamas
There is a faint scent of BBQ lingering in the air, reminding me of summer days at home - pork chops on the grill, hanging out with friends and a cold beer in my hand. But I'm brought back to reality when I look down at the street from a birds eye view. Standing on the top of the roof of our hotel with the sun beaming down on me like it would on a beautiful beach day, I realize I am not at home and only the Indian sun could feel this way in February.
There is an auto-rickshaw strike today and tomorrow. On a regular day, the auto's seem to be the transportation lifeline of the city; but today, more people seem to be walking and the noise pollution is excessively lower than usual. I watch as people drive down the street on their motorcycles and scooters, cars passing every once in a while. Today, I could probably cross the street without feeling my life is on the line or being honked at 20x's to get out of the way. It's a daily struggle to cope with the movement of life in this city and I can only imagine what other city's must be like in India. Although Bhubaneswar seems to be a great city with massive potential, I could never imagine myself living here or even staying longer than what I have now. For me, there is something missing. I have no desire to want to explore this "temple city" to its max - inside-out. Although I love the culture of the area and riding around in an auto watching people's daily lives as I pass by, this city misses "heart."
When asking other where I should visit in the city, most reply with shrugs, saying "any temple, but have you gone to Puri or Konark yet?" And to be frank, all of the temples here seem relatively the same. If I've seen one, I've seen most of them in one way or another. But more importantly, I find that when I ask that question, most point to visit somewhere outside of the city. Thinking back to all of my CouchSurfing experiences and even more personally, when people visit me in Richmond, the first thing I say isn't, "you should go to D.C. or Charlottesville." I love Richmond and I want to show people all it has to offer. Maybe the temples are all Bhubaneswar really has to offer, all they are proud of? Everyday, I can see the impact religion has on their society and culture, and most follow this practice, where the temples are their prize. But there has to be something more that maybe I would have found if I roamed the streets alone; but what I've seen has mostly been in a group or with one or two other people - and that can alter your perceptions.
I relate this back to the time I spent in Grenoble, during my study abroad. I was again in a new place and completely surrounded by a different culture, yet still I found something about the city that had "heart;" just the same as I do with Richmond. There was something different in Grenoble; maybe the fact that I could establish myself there, where here I am in this "in-between" stage of a long-staying traveler just waiting until I move onto my next destination. All the same - I am ready to experience more than what I am now, and I only have a couple more days to go.
Reading into the astrology of my Sagittarian sign, I am in essence a traveler. That is who I am and what I do. I get anxious when I get to the point that I am complacent and have no freedom to move. I feel constrained and it becomes almost like a toxin. Although, this is astrologically accurate, it is also accurate within myself. Interestingly enough, in terms of love and life, a Sagittarian doesn't enjoy traveling unless it is with the one they love (if there is one they love) because being with that lover, is fulfillment in itself. On my second journey around the world, I have found this to be true. There is nothing more I want than to have my love with me, right now. As quoted from the book, Astrology in Love & Romance, "You find an outlet, you find light when you find someone to love. Frankly, love is your salvation. Without it, travel for instance, is no pleasure, it is a quest, a search --- or a mere chore. With it, travel becomes a wondrous journey."
Because of this desperate need to escape my "escape," a journey home seems ideal, all the same. In hindsight, I wonder why I came on this trip in the first place. It has proven to be impacting in some ways, and I should be thankful for that.
I came here with the chance that I might find the thing I was looking for, and as I was riding down Jan Path (one of the busiest roads in Bhubaneswar), unmistakably I noticed a sign that was meant for me to see, saying, "Life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." There is a possibility that everything I had left to search for, I had already found; but I was too blind to see. Doesn't it always work that way? But then again, this could prove to be exactly what I needed all along. Only time will tell.
There is an auto-rickshaw strike today and tomorrow. On a regular day, the auto's seem to be the transportation lifeline of the city; but today, more people seem to be walking and the noise pollution is excessively lower than usual. I watch as people drive down the street on their motorcycles and scooters, cars passing every once in a while. Today, I could probably cross the street without feeling my life is on the line or being honked at 20x's to get out of the way. It's a daily struggle to cope with the movement of life in this city and I can only imagine what other city's must be like in India. Although Bhubaneswar seems to be a great city with massive potential, I could never imagine myself living here or even staying longer than what I have now. For me, there is something missing. I have no desire to want to explore this "temple city" to its max - inside-out. Although I love the culture of the area and riding around in an auto watching people's daily lives as I pass by, this city misses "heart."
When asking other where I should visit in the city, most reply with shrugs, saying "any temple, but have you gone to Puri or Konark yet?" And to be frank, all of the temples here seem relatively the same. If I've seen one, I've seen most of them in one way or another. But more importantly, I find that when I ask that question, most point to visit somewhere outside of the city. Thinking back to all of my CouchSurfing experiences and even more personally, when people visit me in Richmond, the first thing I say isn't, "you should go to D.C. or Charlottesville." I love Richmond and I want to show people all it has to offer. Maybe the temples are all Bhubaneswar really has to offer, all they are proud of? Everyday, I can see the impact religion has on their society and culture, and most follow this practice, where the temples are their prize. But there has to be something more that maybe I would have found if I roamed the streets alone; but what I've seen has mostly been in a group or with one or two other people - and that can alter your perceptions.
I relate this back to the time I spent in Grenoble, during my study abroad. I was again in a new place and completely surrounded by a different culture, yet still I found something about the city that had "heart;" just the same as I do with Richmond. There was something different in Grenoble; maybe the fact that I could establish myself there, where here I am in this "in-between" stage of a long-staying traveler just waiting until I move onto my next destination. All the same - I am ready to experience more than what I am now, and I only have a couple more days to go.
Reading into the astrology of my Sagittarian sign, I am in essence a traveler. That is who I am and what I do. I get anxious when I get to the point that I am complacent and have no freedom to move. I feel constrained and it becomes almost like a toxin. Although, this is astrologically accurate, it is also accurate within myself. Interestingly enough, in terms of love and life, a Sagittarian doesn't enjoy traveling unless it is with the one they love (if there is one they love) because being with that lover, is fulfillment in itself. On my second journey around the world, I have found this to be true. There is nothing more I want than to have my love with me, right now. As quoted from the book, Astrology in Love & Romance, "You find an outlet, you find light when you find someone to love. Frankly, love is your salvation. Without it, travel for instance, is no pleasure, it is a quest, a search --- or a mere chore. With it, travel becomes a wondrous journey."
Because of this desperate need to escape my "escape," a journey home seems ideal, all the same. In hindsight, I wonder why I came on this trip in the first place. It has proven to be impacting in some ways, and I should be thankful for that.
I came here with the chance that I might find the thing I was looking for, and as I was riding down Jan Path (one of the busiest roads in Bhubaneswar), unmistakably I noticed a sign that was meant for me to see, saying, "Life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." There is a possibility that everything I had left to search for, I had already found; but I was too blind to see. Doesn't it always work that way? But then again, this could prove to be exactly what I needed all along. Only time will tell.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Bhubaneswar - Some things I've learned so far
It's been almost a month since I've been in India. It's odd to think that it's gone by so fast, yet I feel that I've been here for so long. I've grown to love Bhubaneswar, the people, the culture, the atmosphere. Although people still stare, there is still trash everywhere, and my heart still throbs for all of the little puppies running around. My ears still ache every time I step outside from the loud honks (often for no reason) as people drive by, and I feel as if I'm breathing in toxins from the air pollution and circulating dust. But that doesn't stop me from enjoying everything else around this town.
The people, I have found, to be the most welcoming. It reminds me of the attitude of the Turkish, where they are utterly and awkwardly interested but at the same time completely hospitable. Just the other day, my group (the transportation team of CapAsia) stopped by an auto rickshaw association to get some information about how the auto-rickshaws work, when a man named Sona and his younger brother began to help us. We ended up spending 2 hours talking with these nice men and left with both of their numbers and Sona's word to take us to the president of the auto association the following day. Holding his promise, he personally took us (by auto) to meet the president. After our meeting, he invited all of us to his home to meet his family - which we discovered was a 2000 sq foot home, consisting of 3 generations, 15 members and 7 of them kids. What a lively experience, meeting the generosity of the family while sipping on chai and snacking on tasty India treats. These are the experiences for which I came to India.
Moreover, as my time here in Bhubaneswar reaches its mid-point, I can only say that my biggest disappointment from being here is my inability to travel to various places in India. Although I am learning an abundance about this city and the transportation here - I have been told that India has a vast array of cultures and that I will never experience the true India until I explore what it has to offer. The culture here is unique from other states in India, so I've heard. More conservative.. gradually (and wanting) to become - and as I can see - more westernized, where as other states may be less or more.
Time. Time is the key to all successful exploration, within life and within ones soul. And I feel I will never have enough, especially here.
That is why I will be taking a week, the 1st of March to explore the foothills and the mountain tops of the Himalaya's in Srinagar, Kashmir, India. Learning and experiencing a little more than what I have so far while limited to Bhubaneswar. I think this will be one of my best experiences.
Academically, I am thoroughly enjoying learning about the transportation culture of Bhu. and particularly the bus and auto systems. I would be happy though to use public transit to get to other cities and I plan to do that when we get our first (and probably only) 2 days back to back, free-time.
Off to the Disco tonight for the first time! Birthday celebrations and then waking up bright and early to stream the Superbowl live at 6am! I'm not opposed to 6am Superbowl party time - It's going to be a long day tomorrow trying to give our presentation to the mayor.
The people, I have found, to be the most welcoming. It reminds me of the attitude of the Turkish, where they are utterly and awkwardly interested but at the same time completely hospitable. Just the other day, my group (the transportation team of CapAsia) stopped by an auto rickshaw association to get some information about how the auto-rickshaws work, when a man named Sona and his younger brother began to help us. We ended up spending 2 hours talking with these nice men and left with both of their numbers and Sona's word to take us to the president of the auto association the following day. Holding his promise, he personally took us (by auto) to meet the president. After our meeting, he invited all of us to his home to meet his family - which we discovered was a 2000 sq foot home, consisting of 3 generations, 15 members and 7 of them kids. What a lively experience, meeting the generosity of the family while sipping on chai and snacking on tasty India treats. These are the experiences for which I came to India.
Moreover, as my time here in Bhubaneswar reaches its mid-point, I can only say that my biggest disappointment from being here is my inability to travel to various places in India. Although I am learning an abundance about this city and the transportation here - I have been told that India has a vast array of cultures and that I will never experience the true India until I explore what it has to offer. The culture here is unique from other states in India, so I've heard. More conservative.. gradually (and wanting) to become - and as I can see - more westernized, where as other states may be less or more.
Time. Time is the key to all successful exploration, within life and within ones soul. And I feel I will never have enough, especially here.
That is why I will be taking a week, the 1st of March to explore the foothills and the mountain tops of the Himalaya's in Srinagar, Kashmir, India. Learning and experiencing a little more than what I have so far while limited to Bhubaneswar. I think this will be one of my best experiences.
Academically, I am thoroughly enjoying learning about the transportation culture of Bhu. and particularly the bus and auto systems. I would be happy though to use public transit to get to other cities and I plan to do that when we get our first (and probably only) 2 days back to back, free-time.
Off to the Disco tonight for the first time! Birthday celebrations and then waking up bright and early to stream the Superbowl live at 6am! I'm not opposed to 6am Superbowl party time - It's going to be a long day tomorrow trying to give our presentation to the mayor.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Maybe I'll find it somewhere..
Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for somewhere along the way; this uncertainty, this hope. There is a need to understand myself and where my place in this world lies. I still have no idea who I am or who I want to be..
I open my heart, thanking God that he's given me the chance to be where I am today. But what about my past, what about the people I love.. where do I go from here... who am I supposed to be from here.. where does life take me. The most perplex questions of life rest in my heart.. and they are beating and aching and wondering what 'my purpose is.'... and so I wait, to discover this answer of truth.
Monday, January 21, 2013
The Bay of Bengal
I'm
in a different country, but as I stand there in the Bay of Bengal and
the waves crash over my feet, I'm taken back to a familiar place.
Everything is the same; the sand feels the same under my feet,
although with less shells to step on, the waves crash in the same
rhythm, maybe a little bigger but with the same beautiful sound; the
kids play in the same way, happily, enjoying the water coming to
catch them, and apart from the different language that is being
spoken all around me and the camel offering rides down the beach, I
felt as if I was at home, sitting in the sand, watching the waves hit
the shore. It wasn't until the swarms of people coming to ask for a
picture with me that I realized I wasn't soaking in the serenity of
the Outer Banks or enjoying the busy boardwalk of Virginia Beach. But
as the sun went down and the stars came out, I couldn't help to feel
as if I was looking at them from the other side of the world, the
familiar side. They look the same, only slightly brighter, and shine
down as the waves create a harmonious ripple effect that look like
someone is playing them like a magical musical instrument. The serene
boat ride around the large lake filled with small islands and a short
car ride led us to this place. A gem that isn't filled with tourists
but flooded with locals who want to enjoy the happiness that comes
from a picnic by the glorious crashing waves.
At
that moment, I began to reflect on my week and how different it had
been from this day. Although it's only been two weeks since I first
arrived, it feels like I've been here much longer. I don't notice
people staring as much as I walk down the busy city streets or
glancing over at me when I'm riding in an auto rickshaw. The food is
becoming much more familiar and I have (mostly) learned my way around
the city. I now feel a better sense of respect and understanding from
the program allowing me to open up to ideas and culture experience.
More importantly I'm am taking in the things I can't control and
trying to let them go. One step closer to selflessness.At
that moment, I began to reflect on my week and how different it had
been from this day. Although it's only been two weeks since I first
arrived, it feels like I've been here much longer. I don't notice
people staring as much as I walk down the busy city streets or
glancing over at me when I'm riding in an auto rickshaw. The food is
becoming much more familiar and I have (mostly) learned my way around
the city. I now feel a better sense of respect and understanding from
the program allowing me to open up to ideas and culture experience.
More importantly I'm am taking in the things I can't control and
trying to let them go. One step closer to selflessness.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Welcome to India
It's been a week now that I have been in what is known as the Temple City of India (Bhubaneswar). Traveling to a different country, most people have a perceived conception; an idea of what to expect or some sort of stereotype that they have gathered through various pieces of information. I too, had a perceived conception of what India was going to be like. Asking some of the other students who are with me on the CapAsia program what they expected, my answer was similar in the fact that we all have perceptions from movies, but mine derived from Slumdog Millionaire.
Slumdog Millionaire, I have discovered, actually does give a good visual idea of the different levels of social class to expect while here, from the slums (which is not what the residents of these areas call them and it is not what we call them as CapAsia students - they are known as "self-built homes"), to middle class housing, and even beautiful new homes. Although I am not living in Mumbai (the main city Slumdog was filmed) for the next 6 weeks - like I am in Bhubaneswar - it will be interesting to see the difference between the cities and states as I travel through India in the future.
So far, I am in love with India (at least Bhubaneswar). Okay, so it's dirty; there is trash everywhere, stray dogs running around, the road sides are mainly red/brown dirt leaving my feet in a constant tan, there is a constant smog in the air, the driving is (how I see it) an organized chaos, the honking never stops, crossing the road becomes a game of Frogger, you can only drink filtered or bottled water and people never stop staring. But the food is amazing, the city is well planned, there is always an efficient and easy way to get around (I will explain more of the transportation aspect later), there is a rich history and culture, the people are generally nice and welcoming, I happen to love the puppies running around, the architecture is unique and interesting, the constant array of colors beautify the city and there is a happiness here that is hard to find anywhere, especially back in the States.
Apart from having a difficult time adjusting to living here and traveling with a group, the constant feeling of being babysat and having minimal time for personal exploration and growth, I am learning so much about Bhubaneswar and their culture. I enjoy the constant discovery of new things without trying, the new impressions and changing perceptions.
I know by the end of this trip, I will have something more that I came with; what that will be, I don't know, but it will be worth coming for.
Photos: To live vicariously through me, click here.
Slumdog Millionaire, I have discovered, actually does give a good visual idea of the different levels of social class to expect while here, from the slums (which is not what the residents of these areas call them and it is not what we call them as CapAsia students - they are known as "self-built homes"), to middle class housing, and even beautiful new homes. Although I am not living in Mumbai (the main city Slumdog was filmed) for the next 6 weeks - like I am in Bhubaneswar - it will be interesting to see the difference between the cities and states as I travel through India in the future.
So far, I am in love with India (at least Bhubaneswar). Okay, so it's dirty; there is trash everywhere, stray dogs running around, the road sides are mainly red/brown dirt leaving my feet in a constant tan, there is a constant smog in the air, the driving is (how I see it) an organized chaos, the honking never stops, crossing the road becomes a game of Frogger, you can only drink filtered or bottled water and people never stop staring. But the food is amazing, the city is well planned, there is always an efficient and easy way to get around (I will explain more of the transportation aspect later), there is a rich history and culture, the people are generally nice and welcoming, I happen to love the puppies running around, the architecture is unique and interesting, the constant array of colors beautify the city and there is a happiness here that is hard to find anywhere, especially back in the States.
Apart from having a difficult time adjusting to living here and traveling with a group, the constant feeling of being babysat and having minimal time for personal exploration and growth, I am learning so much about Bhubaneswar and their culture. I enjoy the constant discovery of new things without trying, the new impressions and changing perceptions.
I know by the end of this trip, I will have something more that I came with; what that will be, I don't know, but it will be worth coming for.
Photos: To live vicariously through me, click here.
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