It's hard to let go of the past, the struggle, the pain, the hardship, the regrests, the idea of who you're supposed to be, the idea of who 'they' want you to be - to simply settle on the idea of who you are and who you want and need to be for yourself. The biggest problem is when you don't know exactly what that is. Being lost in a world where society is telling you to do one thing, when you know that it's not what you should be doing.
We're built to believe that we can do anything; we have the power to change the world; we can make a difference - all of which is true, if you believe it yourself. But society is contradictory, telling us these things, and then when we get to the age that life is supposed to start making sense and we still have no clue what we're doing, society blames us for not making sense of it all. Life Never Makes Sense. In my short-lived life, I've come to realize what those four simple words mean - or have I?
I am completely lost in life. It's as simple as that. I have no idea what's going to happen next. I have no idea what I want to do next. My life seems to be at the lowest it's ever felt, but then again, maybe it's at its highest. There's something exciting about "uncertainty." Uncertainty - the word describing my life in detail at this moment. I have absolutely no money. Everything seems to be falling apart. I'm currently living in another country, wanting to stay, but in a rough place with deciding how to do that, thinking about prospects all over the world, wanting to find something that's going to allow me to travel, constantly keep me on my toes, hardly sit down at a desk for more than a couple of days (or hours) at a time and that allows me to use my abilities to their best - is damn hard to find! If only life were simple - but then it wouldn't be life.
Are lights guiding me home? I doubt that, I don't feel attached to "home" at all anymore. My world feels completely inside out, where I can establish "home" anywhere. Home is where the heart is, right? And if you have no idea where you're heart is?
Why is the hardest part letting go? Why can't we let go of life and the weight of the world and "Just Have Fun?" Having always tried to follow the mantra of "just have fun" and "live life to the fullest," I feel the universe weighing down on me, eating at my soul, working against me, forcing me to fall into the norms of society. If I could escape to a far away place where like minded people lived, away from the corrupt world that is ruled by capitalism and greed, I would pack my bag, grab Oeli and go. *(This place would preferably have a beautiful beach, along with mountains where I could snowboard)*
If only such a place existed, where I could leave all of the "worldly" chaos and pressure.
It's hard to let go of the ideas planted in my mind of who I should be, who people expect me to be and even who I want to be. It's hard to let go of the constant thoughts corrupting my mind on "what's next," "the future," "my purpose in life." It's hard to let go of the fact that I'm so incredibly lost, knowing I should just let things be and come as they come and "just have fun" in the meantime. Easier said than done. I'm still so young, yet I feel so old. The burdens of life weighing me down. But no matter how heavy they may be, I will keep walking (to where, I don't know), and I will grow stronger and my load will become lighter.
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| These are some amazing rules to live by. Now, let me practice what I preach. |
